I wanted to talk it out but she didn't want to. She wanted to leave na lang. I tried to stop her, when she wouldn't be stopped I locked myself in the bathroom. I just forgot one thing. She has a set of keys to my house nga pala. She went back in only to find me all locked up in the bathroom.
I was crying and hitting everything i can around me. She kept on knocking on the door but I didn't want to let her in anymore knowing it will be our last fight. She just kept on knocking and knocking so I finally let her in. She begged me not to do anything stupid. I begged her not to leave. When she did, I just went berserk. I kicked and hit everything. Basag lahat ng nasa bathroom. As you can see, the bathroom wall had a re-decoration.
She heard the commotion so she went back again. She was shocked to see the debris and begged me to stop. She opened the door (what's left of it) and embraced me to stop. I did. She led me to the bed to check on my bleeding hands. She just hugged my numb body and held my face filled with tears. She could see and feel my body, especially my hands twitching.
She said that it was traumatic for her to see me in that state. She recalled her previous relationship which turned to being already destructive. That's why she was shocked to see the same scenes again. After hours of being silent, then finally talking about what happened, we made up and she made me promise never to do anything that would hurt me because, she is very capable and very willing to do the same, much much worse. I couldn't imagine my baby going thru that pain so I promised never to hurt myself caused by our misunderstandings.
When I returned home, I never thought I caused all that rampage and destruction. It was very blurry and numbing. I just couldn't bear the hurting, the pain in my heart that I had to redirect the pain somewhere else so I wouldn't going insane over my heartache. I never want to hurt my baby and it was so nice to know that she cared for me so much more because she doesn't want me getting hurt either.
The door is left to its original state. I didn't replace it anymore. A constant reminder of how crazy I can be in the thought of losing my baby and how not afraid I am of dying rather than losing the one I love. She is my life. Literally and symbolically.
Some blood stains decorated the door. I never felt the pain in my hands and arms during the whole ordeal. When it ended, I saw my hands and arms... I made such a mess.
This is a constant reminder to me that for as long as we live, we wouldn't allow our relationship to fall into the same pitfalls she had with her previous destructive and degenerative relationships. We would take care of each other. We would talk things out and work it thru. We should, because we have every plan of spending the rest of our lives together... for as long as we live.
I'm happy to know that our relationship is maturing and maturing as time goes by. Love can teach us how to live with the one you love... I love my baby so much!
